


i don't have the means to go on

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Oh god, Texting, The Author Regrets Everything, alex is v sad and not okay, im so sorry for this, the death is not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>alex: john hold on for us please</p>
<p>alex: i need to hear your voice again</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't have the means to go on

**alex:** where you at john? thought you'd be at my house by now.

**john:** yeah, there's some traffic. i'm stopped right now, don't worry. see you soon!! <3333

**alex:** see ya babe <3

**alex:** be safe!!!

 

\---

 

**alex:** john its been an hour where are you?

**alex:** dont text while driving actually

**alex:** but seriously call me or something

**alex:** i like hearing your voice

 

\---

 

**alex:** there was a crash on the road you take to get here

**alex:** were you in it?

**alex:** john?

**alex:** i called laf and herc. they haven't heard from you since you texted me last

**alex:** john please

**alex:** call me okay?

 

\---

 

**alex:** the hospital called me

**alex:** drunk driver collision

**alex:** shit i'm coming i'm coming okay okay

**alex:** john? oh god, john, no

**alex:** me and laf and herc are coming now

**alex:** john hold on for us please

**alex:** i need to hear your voice again

 

\---

 

**alex:** pronounced dead 

**alex:** i never did hear your voice again

 

\---

 

**alex:** you always said funerals were depressing

**alex:** i didnt believe you

**alex:** because i thought at your funeral there'd be celebration of all you did

**alex:** for laf and herc

**alex:** the schuylers

**alex:** even jeffershit and madison and burr

**alex:** everyone liked you

**alex:** and we'd all talk about our memories of you and have faith that you were satisfied with your life

**alex:** and yeah i'd cry but 

**alex:** it would be thankful tears

**alex:** thankfulness that whatever god exists gave me you for as long as you'd lived

**alex:** but

**alex:** this funeral is not what i imagined

**alex:** the bags under my eyes match my black suit

**alex:** laf and herc cant even make themselves look at you

**alex:** i wrote you a sonnet but damn

**alex:** i could barely get through it with all my tears

**alex:** and the schuylers oh, god, the schuylers

**alex:** they cried the hardest

**alex:** even thomas and james and burr were there

**alex:** james was always nice to you

**alex:** even when you beat up thomas

**alex:** of course your father wasnt there

**alex:** really we're the only family you have

**alex:** we're the only people who care

**alex:** i miss you john

 

\---

 

**alex:** hey

**alex:** i miss you lots

**alex:** laf attempted suicide last night

**alex:** herc knocked their bathroom door down

**alex:** he called me and he was crying and shit i though of you

**alex:** of the lady over the phone who so calmly told me you were dying

**alex:** of the room you were in that smelled like metal and bleach

**alex:** of the bruises that marred your freckles

**alex:** laf's okay

**alex:** a little unsteady but after you went none of us are quite right in the head anymore

**alex:** talk to you later

 

\---

 

**alex:** i'm getting drunk

**alex:** even though that's what killed you it

**alex:** it helps

**alex:** james is sick

**alex:** sure he'll be fine he's always okay in the end

**alex:** laf is okay again

**alex:** mostly

**alex:** come back john

 

\---

 

**alex:** it's your birthday

**alex:** you would've been twenty five

**alex:** i was gonna get you a new sketchbok

**alex:** laf and herc were gonna buy you at least fifty turtles plushies

**alex:** i think the schuylers planned to all knit you something

**alex:**...

**alex:** it's not the same without you john

**alex:** i miss your freckles

**alex:** your silly laugh that wasnt even a laugh because it made no noise

**alex:** your hair that curled around and around and around like a slinky

**alex:** you'd always type "<333" with multiple threes because you loved me with all your heart

**alex:** idk what i'm gonna do now

**alex:** work is pointless

**alex:** getting drunk is the only thing i do regularly

**alex:** just

**alex:** you were something to live for

 

\---

 

**alex:** one year

**alex:** ive waited an entire year

**alex:** for my life to fix itself

**alex:** for you to come back

**alex:** for a sign from god

**alex:** and here we are

**alex:** what do i have?

**alex:** alcoholism and dirt that feels embedded in my skin

**alex:** i cant remember when i last showered

**alex:** or ate

**alex:** or smiled

**alex:** laf and herc are okay now

**alex:** the support they give me is unconditional

**alex:** angelica and eliza and peggy are fine

**alex:** thomas and james and aaron are fine

**alex:** im not

**alex:** im really really really not okay john

**alex:** i

**alex:** i wanted you to come home and watch a movie

**alex:** and i got a dead boyfriend and alcoholism

**alex:** funny how life works that way

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry for this 
> 
> who watched the tonys? i cried when daveed won tbh  
> and leslie  
> and renee  
> and lin's fuCKING sonnet
> 
> anywaaaaays
> 
> hope you liked this sadness!!!


End file.
